What Is BDSM? A Beginners Guide to Kink

What is BDSM?

What is BDSM?

Are you looking to spice things up in the bedroom? Has a certain Mr Grey piqued your interest in the freakier side of sex? Or, have you always been intrigued by BDSM, but have no idea where to start? Well, we’re here to help.

BDSM covers a broad and exciting array of activities and sexual expressions. There’s a lot to explore and experiment with. But before you go ahead and create your own 50-shades-style ‘red room of pain’, here’s everything you need to know about getting kinky.

What Is BDSM?

BDSM can mean different things for different people, but, ultimately, it all comes down to your own erotic preferences and what you like. Think of it as the stark opposite of vanilla sex; a sexual attitude where anything goes and where deep-rooted and long-repressed sexual desires are encouraged. The range of sexual activities associated with BDSM is limitless. From blindfolding to full on master/slave erotic humiliation, there are endless ways to explore your freakier side.

Although BDSM is a malleable concept, BDSM covers three different types of kink.

  • B&D — Bondage and Discipline: Bondage coves everything when a submissive partner is restrained either by hands, ropes or restraints. Discipline is a kinkier version of the punishment and reward systems we all grew up with.
  • D&S — Dominance and Submission: In BDSM, there’s always a dominant and submissive. As you’ve probably guessed, the dominant controls the submissive partner.
  • S&M — Sadism and Masochism: This is all about giving and receiving pain. Whether you’re gently whipping your partner, using nipple clamps or going a bit darker, you get the idea.

Sounds intriguing, right?

 7 Essential Tips for Getting Kinky with BDSM

If you’re tempted to delve into the tantalising world of BDSM, here are seven crucial tips to consider before going full Mr Grey.

1. Talk it through

BDSM is definitely not something to spontaneously spring on your partner. Before getting down to it, you need to have an open and honest conversation about what you want and what you expect.

Talking with a partner about your sexual fantasies can be uncomfortable. “What if they think I’m a weirdo?” “What if I freak them out… and not in a good way?” But communication is the key to any good relationship — and that extends to your sex life. If you’re worried about talking with your partner or you’re struggling to find the words, why not try playing some sex games to break the ice? Sex games are a great way to explore desires and fantasies within the boundaries of a game.

Whether through a game or a casual conversation at the dinner table, make sure to talk about your BDSM ideas. Don’t hold back: if your partner isn’t into it, it’s better to establish this early on.

2. Establish consent

Consent is integral for any sexual act. It goes without saying that you should never explore a sexual relationship without consent. When it comes to kinky sex, consent is more important than ever. Going at someone with a whip is only sexy if they find pleasure in it. If they don’t, then you’re just hurting them — and that’s not sexy. Consent must be ongoing, voluntary, explicitly stated and enthusiastic.

When you have your open conversation about how you want to explore BDSM, be sure to cover sensitive areas. You should be aware of your partner’s past experiences, health issues, physical and emotional triggers and anything that’s completely off limits. We all have different boundaries when it comes to sex and the key to good sex is working within both you and your partner’s limits of pleasure.

3. Get in character

Are you a dom or a sub? All BDSM activities have a dominant and submissive participant. The next step is to decide which role each of you will take on. Again, be open to this. Have you ever heard the phrase, “it’s always the quiet ones?” Sometimes, the most timid and shy make the best dominators. At the same time, some people who boss it in business and generally dominate life crave the opportunity to be submissive during sex. That’s why so many people love BDSM — it offers you and your partner a chance to explore an alternative reality. You get to step out of your habitual roles and take on a completely different persona. A loving, but quiet and reserved, mum might just make the perfect dominatrix in the bedroom. The only way to find out is to try it.

At first, you won’t know exactly what role suits you best, so switch it up. During one session, play dominant and during the next, submissive. Just be sure to throw yourself into whatever role you’re assigned — you may be surprised at what makes you tick.

4. Start slow

Let’s take a moment. Before venturing into torture rooms and latex body suits, you might want to experiment with the basics. There’s nothing wrong with exploring humiliation or even building your own sex dungeon, if that’s your thing, but if you’re new to BDSM, our best advice is to start slow.

Blindfolds are a cheap and less intimidating place to start. Simply blindfold your partner and take advantage of the items you have around the house — you don’t need anything fancy. Tease them by brushing a feather over their body, use ice or wax to heighten the senses or get your partner to guess what part of your body you’re touching them with. You might think that blindfolds are a bit bland, but all it takes is a bit of creativity to have your partner squirming with pleasure.

Handcuffs or restraints are another great way to introduce BDSM to the bedroom. There are many different kinds of restraints out there, but, for the beginner, start with something simple. Avoid abrasive materials like rope that require a degree of knowledge to use effectively and keep knots or ties loose. And, whatever you do, never wander off when your partner is tied up — it’s just awkward.

5. Know your safe words

The deeper you dive into the intoxicating depths of BDSM, the more important your safe words become. A safe word can be any word you like. Its sole purpose is to signal to your partner that you’re at your limit and you want to stop. We’ve all heard examples of ridiculous words used in sex and, although funny, they serve a crucial purpose.

Let’s say, for example, you’re playing the submissive and you regularly scream out “no” as part of your character. But then your partner pushes it too far and you’re uncomfortable — you shout out “no,” but they’re not sure if you’re still in role. Something that started out as a sexy situation quickly devolves into something completely different and potentially scary. Take some time to come up with some established safe words. Keep them simple, easy to remember and clear.

However, don’t just rely on your safe words. Read the room. You know your partner, so if they’re clearly not enjoying the experience, don’t wait for them to let you know. Remember, consent is key.

6. Talk some more

After each BDSM session, you should always check in with your partner. What did they like? What worked? What didn’t work? What changes will you make for your next session? Talking after a session is a great way to build intimacy and enhance your erotic life.

7. Enjoy the ride

As with any sexual experience, make fun a priority. Just as with all first times, they rarely live up to the perfect expectation. Things go wrong, there’s fumbling, faltering and even some embarrassment. Embrace it: it’s all part of it. If you crack up after demanding your partner gets down on their knees, don’t get frustrated. Laugh it off and try again. BDSM is a rich and varied sexual landscape and it takes time to conquer it all. Just enjoy the journey.

 BDSM is an exciting sexual frontier that presents a whole world of kinky possibilities. Remember that some activities can be dangerous — it’s always a good idea to consult a trusted educator in your local BDSM community. Check out our full range of sex toys and lubes and get started on your kinky adventure.

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